The Mall
Let me start out by saying, I hate malls. I’m not sure what it is about them, because I love shopping but every time I enter a mall I feel a profound sadness. Perhaps it is for myself and what I am about to go through. Perhaps it is for my ‘fellow man’ that are also in the mall. However, they seem to be having a lot more fun than I am. In any case, on this day, I came for shoes- and I hate shopping for shoes.
I drove two hours (its actually kind of nice knowing that the closest mall is two hours away) to get myself a nice comfy pair of business casual shoes. Perhaps a pair of ‘mocs’ or ‘clogs’.
I was happily making my way to the shoe store when this rather attractive girl called out to me from one of the kiosks. She was at such a distance that it seemed like she had something genuine to ask me. The time? The Weather? A Date? Sex?
To make a long story short, she was trying to sell me hand exfoliant and moisturizer. She did the whole demo with asking my name, washing my hands, asking what I did for a living. I told her as politely- being in a position that I hate malls and now I am stuck in one getting my hands washed- I had “absolutely no intention of purchasing the stuff.” I even tried to avoid the demo once I realized why she called me over. But I got this terribly guilty feeling. Here is this poor, 27 year old (I found out her age, after she asked me mine) foreign girl (maybe South American) just trying to make a living. It’s a shit job selling stuff from a kiosk in the mall and I figured $15 dollars wouldn’t kill me if it would make her happy.
She eventually gets around to telling me, “this stuff is normally $69.99 for exfoliant and $69.99 for the moisturizer but today I have a special deal, $39.99 each”.
What the fuck???
When did hand lotion from mall kiosks begin to cost $150?
I balked, as politely as I could and told her I was poor (about to buy a $150 pair of shoes, but poor) and that “really, I had to be going”. She stepped in front of me. “Please, I promise you’ll love it” she told me. This was now entering somewhere between sad and creepy. Finally I was able to get away by promising (and I really mean, on my knees promising) that I would come back and buy some. I now found myself in the awkward position of having to get back by her (it was a week day and the mall was quite empty) without being accosted. I actually felt real panic. How was I going to get past her? Would I just have to buy the damn cream?
I finally mapped it out that if I got onto the second floor, I would be able to walk past her and get down the stairs near my car- even though this added an addition 10 minutes inside the mall.
My plan went awry when, was just about to the mall doors,who should come in the other direction? But the lotion lady. What Now? Run? Pretend I just got this really amazing phone call?
She recognized me and immediately grabbed me and said “I had to come back and buy the cream, I promised”. I tried to pull away, but she had hold of my jacket. She began pleading, that she needed the money. This had now definitely entered the creepy stage. Was she going to hit me with a jar of hand cream? They were pretty big jars. Was this some sort of joke?
I managed to pull away and started running to my truck; terrified to look behind me for fear that I would get a bucket of exfoliant to the face.
I got to my truck, she hadn’t followed me. And in case you were wondering, Yes, I did ‘run like a girl’, arms and legs flapping everywhere. I may have even let out a little scream, maybe something as pathetic as yelp.
Here I was, having just got back from Newark, NJ dealing with multiple murders, assaults and, in one case, a mini riot and I am running for my life by some poor, 100lb girl selling hand cream in Burlington, MA.
I was never cut out for manly pursuits.
Originally Written Feb/2008
Tags: depressing malls, exfoliant, Hand Lotion, Kiosks, mall kiosks, malls
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