Things I Dislike.
Posted June 13, 2008 byCategories: Culture
Tags: Dislike, driving me crazy, Jewish, Life, Me Generation, Pubic Hair, Salutations
Things I Dislike:
1. Picking my roommates pubic hair (and it is Pubic Hair) out of the shower drain, because frankly, it turns into a bath of someone else’s pubic remnants and my filth, for my feet.
2. Picking my roommates pubic off of the bathroom counter top.
3. My roommate’s pubic hair.
4. When my roommate does my dishes conspicuously, as if to say “The kitchen needs to be cleaned so badly, and it’s YOUR dirty dishes”. I just want to say “Listen you catholic pedophile, maybe your dishes are Immaculate (in the divine sense; in actual fact his dishes are leopard print), mine however are not. So why don’t you leave my Colorful Ikea dishes alone and go feel sexually repressed somewhere else.
5. When I come down Sunday mornings to find my Catholic roommate sweating profusely, playing Dance Dance Revolution, alone, sober and in his boxer shorts (I always check behind the couch for the alter boy).
6. Waking up at 3am on Friday morning to the washer bouncing (quite literally) because my roommate has put the 20 pound bathroom mat in there to be cleaned. I can only guess he pissed allover it, in the middle of the night. Come on man, it’s a big fuckin toilet.
7. When I’m taking a shower (having just removed the pubes from the clogged drain) to find that I have part of my catholic roommates cigar stuck (I mean really stuck) to the bottom of my foot, because he’s too fucking lazy to throw it away and just leaves it next to my plants for me to step on when I garden.
8. When my roommate doesn’t know how to change the headlight on his car. I am the most inept person when it comes to mechanics (I’m part Jewish, not bred for manual labor…particularly good with money though) and even I can change the headlight on my car. I mean, you’re 24 years old use some fucking common sense.
9. When my roommate asks to turn change the channel to an HBO show (from law and order, which I was watching) and then gets a phone call leaves for that hour, and then when I come down to watch Law and Order again he asks if he can turn it back on. Bitch, you should have thought of that before you left.
10. When my roommate is home. This may seem like a strange one, but he walks so loudly, I swear to god the first time I heard it I jumped out of my skin. He’s really tall and skinny and has a funny walk that creates so much noise, it drives me crazy. I keep checking him for signs of Parkinson’s or MS.
11. My roommates’ obsession with sports. These are two guys, one of whom graduated from an Ivy League school and the only thing on the coffee table is sports illustrated. I hate sports; I hate them with a passion. I hate baseball, basketball, football and golf (god I hate golf). Baseball is the dumbest fucking sport out there, I hate it so much.
12. Men. That’s right, I hate men. They are savages, absolute savages.
13. Women. Whores. And it’s only partially men’s fault. Perhaps there’s something to ‘original sin’.
14. People who don’t return repeated emails and then act to other people like everything is just fine and we are still talking. No, I don’t want any “regards” from a third party. I want to hear it from you.
15. Close friends and ex-girlfriends who sign emails “sincerely”. What is this, a business relationship (Divorce)? In the case of friends, it is too distant. In the case of ex-girlfriends (and some friends), I think nakedness and a prolonged sexual relationship kind of threw “sincerely” right out the door. ‘Cheers’ works well. If were close enough ‘love’ would not be inappropriate (though ‘luv’ is never OK). ‘Talk to you soon’ works well because it leaves the door open for further dialog, but without the real expectation of any. When I write Sincerely, what I really mean is ‘Sincerely go fuck yourself’.
16. Ex-girlfriends who turn into alcoholic, slutty simpletons. When did this behavior become OK? Where’s your sense of self-respect? This also applies to ex-girlfriends who start drinking heavily and/or start smoking (pot or tobacco) shortly after we break up. Did I repress you for that whole time? Was the break-up so hard that you had to start drinking? Come on, show some decency, and show some self-respect, the last thing you want is for your ex (me. Though this applies to anyone) to think is that he got the better of you.
17. People who get upset when I make fun of their significant other. No one is immune from my criticism, constructive or otherwise. Listen, if you’re not comfortable enough with that person that my comments are able to shake you. Well either you’re with the wrong person or I’m right on the money with my criticism and you should stop denying the truth.
This list is, of course, incomplete (and out dated, I love my current (and clean) roommates). It’s only a list of things that were driving me crazy at that very moment. It changes/increases hour by hour.

